7:55pm: Al Michaels says the over/under on TO getting the ball is 5 minutes and 15 seconds. I’m guessing he arrived at this number by figuring how long it’ll take Madden to beat the topic to death, and then adding 5 minutes and 15 seconds.

8:08: The Ravens got hosed. This is clearly setting things up for a Ravens win in Pittsburgh in the playoffs. Karma. I’m sure Ray Lewis won’t have anything interesting to say about this, so let’s not bother to ask.

8:16: I’m sure it’s been said before, but Faith Hill does not make me think about football. She makes me want to gouge my eyes out, which seems counterproductive to NBC. They should rethink this.

8:18: Al and John make a good point–the Cowboys were 10 minutes of football from being happy as clams, coming off a victory in Pittsburgh. They lose that game and all of a sudden they’re a clubhouse in turmoil. This place has more drama than a CSI: Miami intro.

8:26: Romo throws his first pass to Witten, but it’s just a little outside. I think I heard something about them this week.

8:27: And on cue, Romo throws one off Owens’ hands. Witten didn’t apply the correct amount of baby powder to the inside of TOs gloves, apparently. Punt!

8:28: DeMarcus Ware sacks Eli, forcing a fumble. TO says Eli and DeMarcus planned that play all week and left him out.

8:29: Cowboys hold, narrowly stopping the Giants on 3rd and 17. Punt!

8:36: Romo throws to Witten (again? Gah!), but its incomplete. This doesn’t stop Witten from running to the sideline, either imploring for a challenge or trying to keep TO from beating him up. Punt!

8:37: On the punt a Giant accidentally runs into the kicker, but doesn’t “rough” him, so the Giants will keep the ball. Did you ever “rough” anyone? Can you “rough” someone if they’re not kicking a football? I didn’t think so.

8:44: Danny Ware has been activated for this game, and given himself the nickname of “Water.” How intimidating. That won’t scare the Cowboys, that’ll make them take a pee break at halftime.

8:50: Romo fumbles the snap, then throws the ball to Witten for a couple of yards. Or as TO would say, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”

8:52: Marian the Barbarian makes his first appearance with a reception for a first down. I learned the other day that he is a piano virtuoso. True story.

8:54: Flozell Adams gets called for a false start. This would be a good start to a drinking game.

8:56: As Madden is explaining how getting a good pass rush is helpful to having a good pass rush, Romo finds Owens for a big gain and a foray into Giants territory.

9:00: Put your offense in, you take your offense out, you put your offense in, then get 11 penalties that knock your offense out… PUNT!

End of the first:
Cowboys, 0
Giants, 0

9:07: Romo appears to have hurt his back when some fatass landed on it. I’m sure it hurts like hell, but this isn’t going to do much for his pretty boy rep. Meanwhile the Giants go nowhere and PUNT!

9:08: Romo is going to do his best Big Ben impression: Get hurt, make sure everyone knows your hurt, then try to play anyway. If you play well, you’re a tough guy. If you play poorly, you’re a tough guy. A win / win. If the Cowboys win, it’s a win / win / win.

9:10: And Romo gets sacked on the first play of the drive. Hey, we’ve got a hurt quarterback…how about a seven step drop in the face of pressure! Genius! And they follow with a screen. Took them long enough. A draw probably wouldn’t hurt either.

9:13: Romo throws a touchdown pass to a black Jason Witten who seems to be wearing #84…Oh, Patrick Crayton you say? Interesting.

The Giants are challenging, saying Romo was past the line of scrimmage. I thought he was, but I’m also pulling a guess out of my ass.

He wasn’t past the line. Touchdown. 7-0 Cowboys, 11:11 left in the 2nd.

9:27: The Giants are mounting a solid, decidedly unfunny drive, and just converted a 3rd and 11.

9:30: They end the drive by rolling out John Carney’s wheelchair so he can kick the oblong ball through the yellow poles, which the officials decide is exactly 3/7 as good as advancing the ball over the goal line.

Cowboys, 7 Giants, 3

9:40: I have to take a phone call and missed a punt? Gah. The Cowboys are called for defensive interference despite the play actually involving offensive interference. This is a bold call for the referees to make, lets see how this works out for them.

Nevermind, they called it on Smith. Given how the Cowboys reacted initially, you’ll have a hard time convincing me nobody looked up to the Jumbotron or was influenced by the crowd on that one.

9:50: Nobody is showing any urgency at the end of the first half. The Cowboys want to go to the locker room, and the Giants want to hear all the interesting stories in the 2nd half.

Halftime

Cowboys-7
Giants-3

10:05: Things aren’t going well for the Giants offensive line. Andrea Kramer’s reporting makes it sound like of the men that entered the locker room, there were no survivors. The 2nd half will be played in their memory.

10:09: Manning throws the ball to Terrence Newman, which normally quarterbacks try to avoid. I think he was tired and needed his juice box. Cowboys ball.

10:11: Al Michaels says Romo grimaced and grunted when he was hit. He ends up sounding like George Costanza describing the sounds on the tape recorder when he left it in his briefcase to see if Susan’s parents thought he killed her: its a broadcast about nothing! No wonder he works so well with Madden.

10:20: The entire offensive line meets at Eli, who apparently is safe in a big game of tag. There’s 10 guys running around downfield, but I think its an elaborately choreographed dance, since they haven’t gotten involved. Punt!

10:25: Andrea Kramer reports that Jason Witten and Tony Romo talked for over an hour on the phone because Jason was taking it hard. I’d really like to side with Witten and Romo against TO on this one, but if they’re going to be this whiny and pathetic about the whole thing, it’s really hard.

10:29: Barber III gets stuffed on a big 3rd and 1, which only occurred after Michael Johnson damn near threw a punch at a prone TO. I’m not big on protecting football players with unnecessary penalties, but that seemed pretty tough to ignore. Ignore the officials did, though, and there’s a PUNT!

10:33: Al Michaels suggests John would want a texas toast sandwich with bacon, eggs and sausage for his final meal. While I remain undecided on the issue of putting John Madden down, there’s several dead, fried animals stuffed into one another that would disagree with Al.

End of Three
Cowboys-7
Giants-3
America-0

10:45: A good Choice run, Jason Witten telling Antonio Pierce to respect his personal space, and a short throw to a large man not usually thrown to all ends in a touchdown for the Cowboys.

Cowboys-14
Giants-3
12 something left

10:48: Could they pack any more commercials into the second half of this game? This is painful. At least make the commercials better. And that Panthers / Giants game looks a lot less impressive now that the Giants could be going in on a two game losing streak. Still good, but all of a sudden Carolina has become the best team in football.

10:52: Michaels just said he didn’t think the Giants would miss Jacobs that much. Really? You didn’t think the Giants would miss a dominating running back when their best wide receiver is suspended for shooting himself in the leg and their offensive line is banged up? What, then, qualifies you to broadcast professional football games for a living? I’ll wait. Punt!

10:56: This is Tom Coughlin’s offense. He should be the one to take it out back and put it down.

10:59: Barber time. This will speed things up. If Barber is even 80% and the offense doesn’t hold itself back, this one is over.

And with that, there’s a false start penalty, followed by Madden saying he didn’t think Barber was right, and Romo throwing a ball as far as he can to win a bet with Brad Johnson.

11:01: This is quickly followed by a sack where the offensive line just lets the Giants go through. Apparently they’re mad Romo isn’t throwing them the ball enough, too. And Romo isn’t getting up…

Cowboys-14
Giants-5

11:05: The Giants seem to have gotten a little energy from the safety. The offensive line has decided that these Cowboys aren’t so nice after all, and don’t deserve the repeated introductions to Eli.

11:08: The Giants remember around the 25 that they don’t know what they’re doing, and stall to let the old man kick the ball again. They get another 3 points for their effort, and make it a one score game.

Cowboys-14
Giants-8

11:11: Michaels informs us that the Ravens will be visiting Dallas next Saturday night. It’s been nice knowing you, Tony. Services will be held the following Tuesday, I’d guess.

11:13: Tashard Choice would like to let everyone know he is okay at running the football as well, getting the ‘Boys in position for a short 3rd down, which Barber quickly converts. You can tell he can’t cut the way he normally would, but he still launched himself into the chest of a DB. Gotta love that.

11:17: Madden tells us that once you start taking timeouts to stop the clock, that’s in an effort to win. Thanks, John.

11:18: Witten makes a catch and earns a first down, much to the dismay of TO. Game over, goodnight folks.

11:19: Tashard Choice waves as he runs past all the Giants heading toward the line of scrimmage, hoping their meeting with the offensive line went well. Touchdown, Tashard.

Cowboys-21
Giants-8
Grafton-Out

It’s amazing how well the Cowboys rebounded from narrowly losing a difficult game on the road. This was clearly a case of “mountains out of molehills,” but it makes for a great story when Dallas pulls it together and beats a team missing key parts of its O-Line, and its two best skill position players. I still think they will only win one playoff game at best, but I’ve been known to be wrong before.

Goodnight all, and thanks for your time.

In today’s NY Post, Peter Lauria reports
that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell sent a letter yesterday to Time
Warner Cable chief Glenn Britt, proposing a baseball-style,
third-party, binding arbitration process to settle their differences.
(To recap: The NFL Network wants to be placed on a basic-cable tier,
offering a huge audience. But cable companies think it should go on a
digital tier, where a self-selecting audience would cover the
subscription fees.) TWC’s boss shot back, saying he’d happily air the
network on a digital tier for free, or offer the NFL a pay-per-view
channel to charge its own fans. Ouch.

So, maybe, they will be able to work out their problems, eventually… but, until they do, the average American football fan gets screwed, while corporate America bickers. 

In perhaps my favorite story of the offseason, the NFL has scheduled a regular season game abroad, to take place in London. The Miami Dolphins find themselves in the odd position of being the home team despite having to play approximately 5,200 miles away from home. The real losers here aren’t the Dolphins, or even the Giants, who get screwed having to play a game that could cause jet lag issues during the middle of their season. They weren’t going anywhere anyway, and each team will be lucky to see .500 this year.

The real losers are the Dolphins season ticket holders. They get their tickets as usual to this game, since it is, after all, a Miami home game. One might even consider this a good thing, as they’ll just get to sell their tickets for some nice coin (the cheapest tickets issued so far are $90) on eBay, no? No.

The NFL says the eBays are too scary, with their systems of interlocking tubes and what have you, so they’re not issuing the tickets until the week before the game, essentially forcing the fans to either eat the ticket or fly to London for the game.

I’ll preface this by saying that I applaud most of what Goodell has done as commish, but this blows. If I pay a ton of cash for my season tickets, I don’t really feel the need to take into consideration where the game is happening. I buy Bears tickets, I assume the game is at Soldier Field, not bloody England! Unite Dolphins fans (all three of you!), and say you want to put your tickets on the eBays. Or go enjoy some real beer in Europe, then come back here and stare at your Rolling Rock with disgust. Either way, you lose.

Well folks, Week 2 is upon us, and that can mean only one thing–making unnecessarily rash decisions based on 60 minutes of football action. Everybody loves pushing the panic button every now and then. Hell, my roommates and I held three way trade talks earlier this week, and we each won the first week pretty easily. So here we go, the top 10 fantasy footballers to get rid of, or avoid accepting offers for. That is not to say that these guys will have poor seasons (some will), but just to say that their value will never be higher than it is right now. (Or the Thursday before Week 2 if you read this later). And awayyyyyy we go:

10) Reuben Droughns–Perhaps drafting a running back with an offensive line that isn’t composed of pinatas would’ve been a good idea. I’m as guilty as anyone else here, though. I figured that if he had 1,200 yards rushing, as he has in each of the past two years, he’d been good for 6 – 8 touchdowns rather than the two he posted last year. Well, judging by Week 1’s performance, he’ll be lucky to reach 600 yards. And a touchdown. He’ll be lucky to reach the red zone. But if your league gives you bonus points for running into the back of 2 offensive linemen at the same time, Droughns is your guy.

9) Jason Witten–The addition of Terrell Owens will hurt Terry Glenn too, but Witten’s numbers will be more fickle. I don’t think Witten will have a year anywhere close to what he had last year, unless Drew Bledsoe gets his feet out of those cement shoes Evan was talking about.

Ron Mexico, errr, Mike Vick–Lost in Vick’s solid Week 1 performance was his 10-22 passing. Maybe he should try throwing right handed, the whole lefty thing doesn’t see to be up his alley. Yeah, Vick apologists, tell me that he’ll make plays with his legs, and THAT is where his value comes in. No, Vick’s value comes in Weeks 1-8 when he actually can run around. And then some savvy defensive coordinator will find a way to keep him in the pocket, or Vick will get hurt, and you’ve got … uhh, I don’t know. Pick a terrible quarterback. Sage Rosenfels. Moving on.

7) LaMont Jordan–The problems run deep here. How about a terrible offensive line. How about a terrible team attitude. How about Art “What is this game being played in front of me?” Shell. The real issue, though, is the 0 receptions. Last year he had 70. That’s where his value was! The guy can’t run. Hell, his fridge probably can’t run. But he can average 3.5 yards a carry and do pretty well on swing passes. But if he doesn’t get the swing passes? He’s…

6) Edgerrin James–I watched a preaseason game, and this one was pretty clear. He’s got a soft line–they’re alright in pass protection (Kurt Warner, Anquan Boldin, and Larry Fitzgerald won’t be on this list anywhere), but they can’t run block. And now everyone in the desert is saying that he was a good acquisition for his good attitude too. Sounds like a cop out to me. They could’ve brought in Troy Brown from the Patriots and gotten a good attitude. This is just a good running back behind an abysmal offensive line. If you took the Cardinals line and put them in a battle royale with the Raiders line, a slap fight would break out in under 30 seconds. Guarantee it.

5) Cadillac Williams–At first I thought this was nothing to be worried about. I thought it was just his inconsistency shining through, but we knew that when we drafted him, no? If you didn’t, you should have. Anyway, Chris Simms looked terrible in Week 1, and his backup, Bruce Gradkozalozalowski won’t be going to any Pro Bowls anytime soon. Everyone was ready to make the best back in the NFL the #3 in fantasy drafts (LT) because of an unproven quarterback. Well what does that make this guy? His quarterback is proven. He’s not good. He’s not as bad as Baltimore made him look, but he’s pretty bad.

4) Daunte Culpepper–Have you seen this man read a defense? It’s like watching a blind guy read a book. There’s funny faces, there’s a lot of yelling, and sooner or later somebody’s gonna get him a braille book. And the braille book is either Randy Moss again, or a backup job. Since I don’t see Al Davis trading Randy Moss anytime soon, its struggles ahead for Daunte.

3) Kevin Jones–I was on the Kevin Jones bandwagon from the get go this preseason. He was gonna be Marshall Faulk in Mike Martz’s offense. Except, the line stinks, he’s not nearly as good as Faulk was (shoulda seen that one coming), and Jon Kitna is good, but not Kurt Warner good. D’OH!

2) Willis McGahee–The dude hasn’t scored in 11 STRAIGHT GAMES! Come on. How can you even have a roster spot if you go almost 75% of a season without scoring? Add to this that Buffalo brought in Anthony Thomas as something of a goal line back, and there’s no end in sight for this no-TD train. J.P. Losman isn’t going to do him any favors either. Tough break, Willis owners.

1) Tiki Barber–Hear me out on this one. Barber is a very good back. And he’ll have a solid year. But if you can get another viable top RB for him, do it. Tiki will get his yards, and might’ve been called an all time great if his ability had been seen earlier (ie. not platooning him with Ron Dayne for 3 years). But sadly, Brandon Jacobs is a beast. He’s a tank. Nay, he’s faster. He’s a tank on top of a sports car. And he’s going to steal all the goal line carries. Unless Tiki scores from 10 yards out, he’s not going to score. Sad but true.