Detroit vs. New Orleans

Neither team plays any defense, so Calvin Johnson, Kevin Smith, Drew Brees, Marques Colston, Pierre Thomas, and Lance Moore are all must-starts. Dan Orlovsky and Jeremy Shockey make for good potential sleepers.

St. Louis vs. San Francisco

If Frank Gore is back, he joins Steven Jackson as the only must starts in this game, but Torry Holt is pretty damn close, as is his former teammate, Isaac Bruce. Shaun Hill, Marc Bulger, and even Donnie Avery make good sleepers.

New England vs. Arizona

Did you see what Minnesota (and pretty much any other decent team) did to the Cardinal defense? Matt Cassel, Sammy Morris, Kevin Faulk, Randy Moss, and Wes Welker are all must-starts, and pretty much anybody else on the Patriots offense will make a good sleeper. If you managed to survive last week despite relying on some Cardinals stars, the results are mixed. Warner and his top receivers, Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin, make good starts. Everyone else however, I’d stay away from.

Week 15 in the NFL means playoffs in fantasy circles, and what a week it was. Counting on the Cardinals? Tough break. Starting Jay Cutler? Sucks to be you. Thought TO or Witten was going to respond with a big game? Oops. Not quite.

The point is, this time of year is a strange one in fantasy football. All season long, rosters are generally made up of studs that were drafted and a timely pickup or two. These pickups are the hot fudge on the sundae, but the draft is your ice cream. It’s just a pile of sugar without a good draft.

Now, though, things are different. Joseph Addai, Brandon Jacobs, Plaxico Burress, and Frank Gore were all drafted in the first couple of rounds of most drafts, but where are they come playoff time? Injured. Larry Fitzgerald, Jay Cutler, Eddie Royal, LT, and Kurt Warner were all studs this season. This week starting them may have doomed your team, and starting two of them almost certainly did.

The point is that this time of year, it’s not always wise to “dance with who brung ya.” The goal is, as Herm Edwards, to win the game. This means putting in whoever you think will score the most points, and while it’s usually the high draft picks and big names, it isn’t always. There are weeks when you start Pierre Thomas over LenDale White, and when you start Tarvaris Jackson over Kurt Warner (okay, a bit of a stretch). Your higher draft picks are going to perform better over the course of a season, but the playoffs are isolated weeks, and you need to make lineup decisions based on your expectations of success for this week.

With that, Scrubs That Kicked Your Week 15 Ass:

QB-Tarvaris Jackson:163 passing yards, 4 touchdowns
WR-Dennis Northcutt:136 total yards, 1 touchdown
WR-Jerheme Urban:82 receiving yards, 1 touchdown
Flex-Pierre Thomas:146 total yards, 2 touchdowns
RB-Tashard Choice:143 total yards, 1 touchdown
RB-Cedric Benson:161 total yards
TE-David Martin: 66 receiving yards, 1 touchdown

If you saw Cedric Benson or Jerheme Urban coming: kudos, liar.

Later this week we’ll be back to prepare you for the upcoming week 16, the heart of Fantasy Football playoff time. Tomorrow I’ll be suggesting some good early-week pickups and early strategy advice, with rankings by position to follow. Keep up with all the latest news at www.myfantasyball.com

7:55pm: Al Michaels says the over/under on TO getting the ball is 5 minutes and 15 seconds. I’m guessing he arrived at this number by figuring how long it’ll take Madden to beat the topic to death, and then adding 5 minutes and 15 seconds.

8:08: The Ravens got hosed. This is clearly setting things up for a Ravens win in Pittsburgh in the playoffs. Karma. I’m sure Ray Lewis won’t have anything interesting to say about this, so let’s not bother to ask.

8:16: I’m sure it’s been said before, but Faith Hill does not make me think about football. She makes me want to gouge my eyes out, which seems counterproductive to NBC. They should rethink this.

8:18: Al and John make a good point–the Cowboys were 10 minutes of football from being happy as clams, coming off a victory in Pittsburgh. They lose that game and all of a sudden they’re a clubhouse in turmoil. This place has more drama than a CSI: Miami intro.

8:26: Romo throws his first pass to Witten, but it’s just a little outside. I think I heard something about them this week.

8:27: And on cue, Romo throws one off Owens’ hands. Witten didn’t apply the correct amount of baby powder to the inside of TOs gloves, apparently. Punt!

8:28: DeMarcus Ware sacks Eli, forcing a fumble. TO says Eli and DeMarcus planned that play all week and left him out.

8:29: Cowboys hold, narrowly stopping the Giants on 3rd and 17. Punt!

8:36: Romo throws to Witten (again? Gah!), but its incomplete. This doesn’t stop Witten from running to the sideline, either imploring for a challenge or trying to keep TO from beating him up. Punt!

8:37: On the punt a Giant accidentally runs into the kicker, but doesn’t “rough” him, so the Giants will keep the ball. Did you ever “rough” anyone? Can you “rough” someone if they’re not kicking a football? I didn’t think so.

8:44: Danny Ware has been activated for this game, and given himself the nickname of “Water.” How intimidating. That won’t scare the Cowboys, that’ll make them take a pee break at halftime.

8:50: Romo fumbles the snap, then throws the ball to Witten for a couple of yards. Or as TO would say, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”

8:52: Marian the Barbarian makes his first appearance with a reception for a first down. I learned the other day that he is a piano virtuoso. True story.

8:54: Flozell Adams gets called for a false start. This would be a good start to a drinking game.

8:56: As Madden is explaining how getting a good pass rush is helpful to having a good pass rush, Romo finds Owens for a big gain and a foray into Giants territory.

9:00: Put your offense in, you take your offense out, you put your offense in, then get 11 penalties that knock your offense out… PUNT!

End of the first:
Cowboys, 0
Giants, 0

9:07: Romo appears to have hurt his back when some fatass landed on it. I’m sure it hurts like hell, but this isn’t going to do much for his pretty boy rep. Meanwhile the Giants go nowhere and PUNT!

9:08: Romo is going to do his best Big Ben impression: Get hurt, make sure everyone knows your hurt, then try to play anyway. If you play well, you’re a tough guy. If you play poorly, you’re a tough guy. A win / win. If the Cowboys win, it’s a win / win / win.

9:10: And Romo gets sacked on the first play of the drive. Hey, we’ve got a hurt quarterback…how about a seven step drop in the face of pressure! Genius! And they follow with a screen. Took them long enough. A draw probably wouldn’t hurt either.

9:13: Romo throws a touchdown pass to a black Jason Witten who seems to be wearing #84…Oh, Patrick Crayton you say? Interesting.

The Giants are challenging, saying Romo was past the line of scrimmage. I thought he was, but I’m also pulling a guess out of my ass.

He wasn’t past the line. Touchdown. 7-0 Cowboys, 11:11 left in the 2nd.

9:27: The Giants are mounting a solid, decidedly unfunny drive, and just converted a 3rd and 11.

9:30: They end the drive by rolling out John Carney’s wheelchair so he can kick the oblong ball through the yellow poles, which the officials decide is exactly 3/7 as good as advancing the ball over the goal line.

Cowboys, 7 Giants, 3

9:40: I have to take a phone call and missed a punt? Gah. The Cowboys are called for defensive interference despite the play actually involving offensive interference. This is a bold call for the referees to make, lets see how this works out for them.

Nevermind, they called it on Smith. Given how the Cowboys reacted initially, you’ll have a hard time convincing me nobody looked up to the Jumbotron or was influenced by the crowd on that one.

9:50: Nobody is showing any urgency at the end of the first half. The Cowboys want to go to the locker room, and the Giants want to hear all the interesting stories in the 2nd half.

Halftime

Cowboys-7
Giants-3

10:05: Things aren’t going well for the Giants offensive line. Andrea Kramer’s reporting makes it sound like of the men that entered the locker room, there were no survivors. The 2nd half will be played in their memory.

10:09: Manning throws the ball to Terrence Newman, which normally quarterbacks try to avoid. I think he was tired and needed his juice box. Cowboys ball.

10:11: Al Michaels says Romo grimaced and grunted when he was hit. He ends up sounding like George Costanza describing the sounds on the tape recorder when he left it in his briefcase to see if Susan’s parents thought he killed her: its a broadcast about nothing! No wonder he works so well with Madden.

10:20: The entire offensive line meets at Eli, who apparently is safe in a big game of tag. There’s 10 guys running around downfield, but I think its an elaborately choreographed dance, since they haven’t gotten involved. Punt!

10:25: Andrea Kramer reports that Jason Witten and Tony Romo talked for over an hour on the phone because Jason was taking it hard. I’d really like to side with Witten and Romo against TO on this one, but if they’re going to be this whiny and pathetic about the whole thing, it’s really hard.

10:29: Barber III gets stuffed on a big 3rd and 1, which only occurred after Michael Johnson damn near threw a punch at a prone TO. I’m not big on protecting football players with unnecessary penalties, but that seemed pretty tough to ignore. Ignore the officials did, though, and there’s a PUNT!

10:33: Al Michaels suggests John would want a texas toast sandwich with bacon, eggs and sausage for his final meal. While I remain undecided on the issue of putting John Madden down, there’s several dead, fried animals stuffed into one another that would disagree with Al.

End of Three
Cowboys-7
Giants-3
America-0

10:45: A good Choice run, Jason Witten telling Antonio Pierce to respect his personal space, and a short throw to a large man not usually thrown to all ends in a touchdown for the Cowboys.

Cowboys-14
Giants-3
12 something left

10:48: Could they pack any more commercials into the second half of this game? This is painful. At least make the commercials better. And that Panthers / Giants game looks a lot less impressive now that the Giants could be going in on a two game losing streak. Still good, but all of a sudden Carolina has become the best team in football.

10:52: Michaels just said he didn’t think the Giants would miss Jacobs that much. Really? You didn’t think the Giants would miss a dominating running back when their best wide receiver is suspended for shooting himself in the leg and their offensive line is banged up? What, then, qualifies you to broadcast professional football games for a living? I’ll wait. Punt!

10:56: This is Tom Coughlin’s offense. He should be the one to take it out back and put it down.

10:59: Barber time. This will speed things up. If Barber is even 80% and the offense doesn’t hold itself back, this one is over.

And with that, there’s a false start penalty, followed by Madden saying he didn’t think Barber was right, and Romo throwing a ball as far as he can to win a bet with Brad Johnson.

11:01: This is quickly followed by a sack where the offensive line just lets the Giants go through. Apparently they’re mad Romo isn’t throwing them the ball enough, too. And Romo isn’t getting up…

Cowboys-14
Giants-5

11:05: The Giants seem to have gotten a little energy from the safety. The offensive line has decided that these Cowboys aren’t so nice after all, and don’t deserve the repeated introductions to Eli.

11:08: The Giants remember around the 25 that they don’t know what they’re doing, and stall to let the old man kick the ball again. They get another 3 points for their effort, and make it a one score game.

Cowboys-14
Giants-8

11:11: Michaels informs us that the Ravens will be visiting Dallas next Saturday night. It’s been nice knowing you, Tony. Services will be held the following Tuesday, I’d guess.

11:13: Tashard Choice would like to let everyone know he is okay at running the football as well, getting the ‘Boys in position for a short 3rd down, which Barber quickly converts. You can tell he can’t cut the way he normally would, but he still launched himself into the chest of a DB. Gotta love that.

11:17: Madden tells us that once you start taking timeouts to stop the clock, that’s in an effort to win. Thanks, John.

11:18: Witten makes a catch and earns a first down, much to the dismay of TO. Game over, goodnight folks.

11:19: Tashard Choice waves as he runs past all the Giants heading toward the line of scrimmage, hoping their meeting with the offensive line went well. Touchdown, Tashard.

Cowboys-21
Giants-8
Grafton-Out

It’s amazing how well the Cowboys rebounded from narrowly losing a difficult game on the road. This was clearly a case of “mountains out of molehills,” but it makes for a great story when Dallas pulls it together and beats a team missing key parts of its O-Line, and its two best skill position players. I still think they will only win one playoff game at best, but I’ve been known to be wrong before.

Goodnight all, and thanks for your time.

Bernard Berrian puts the Vikings on the board with a punt return for a touchdown. As long as AP doesn’t go off, I’ll be happy.

Randy Moss and Kevin Faulk have helped Matt Cassel get off to a good start, each scoring a touchdown to give the Pats a 14-0 lead early.

Someone must’ve told the Cardinals they’re the Cardinals. Tarvaris Jackson has two touchdown passes, one to the aforementioned Berrian, and the Vikes are up 21-0.

Johnnie Lee Higgins, most famously known for sounding more like a presidential assassin than catching passes in the NFL, catches a ball thrown by Jamarcus Russel in a painted area giving his team six points. A short kick immediately thereafter gives the Raiders another point, making the score 21-7.

This is followed by what appears to be (based on ESPN Gamecast) back to back kickoff returns for touchdowns. This is pretty irrelevant fantasy-wise, but interesting if you’re a fan of kickoff returners (Little Known Fact: My AOL SN is MelGray4Lyfe!!!).

…

Moving on. Still pretty much nothing going on in Baltimore, just field position and field goals. I’m waiting for the inevitable safety to spice things up and tilt this one way or the other.

Jerheme Urban owners, rejoice! He has angered his purple overlords by finding the end zone. 28-7 Vikes.

The 2nd half of these games have been as boring as I’d predicted the whole things would be, so I guess I was half right. I’m going to split now for a few minutes and be back at 8 for the liveblog of the Cowboys / Giants tilt on NBC. As always, thanks for reading.

In conclusion, I’ll be liveblogging the Giants / Cowboys game.

Dolphins QB Chad Pennington is also on the board early against a suddenly mediocre (hey, it’s a step up for them) 49er squad. With no Frank Gore, if the Dolphins get another early score this one could get out of hand quickly, which is good news for Pennington / Ronnie Brown / Ricky Williams owners.

Dominic Rhodes has found the end zone as well, to the surprise of nobody. Update: Now he has two, the second giving the Colts the lead in the fourth quarter.

On the other hand, David Garrard has a passing touchdown. He’s making me look bad for saying he shouldn’t be played today, but I wouldn’t be counting on Dennis Northcutt to keep the Jags passing offense afloat (knock on wood…)

The Rams have scored on a pass to Torry Holt, who surprisingly is still alive. It’s just his third TD this year.

Bengals QB Ryan Fitzpatrick has accounted for two early touchdowns against the Redskins. In related news, someone check the weather in Hell.

WR Andre Johnson has 5 catches for 129 yards and a touchdown. There are almost 8 minutes left in the first half. He. Is. Good.

Don’t look now, but JP Losman is being surprisingly adequate. After a rough start he’s got two touchdowns.
Update: And his fumble with less than two minutes left in the fourth is returned for a touchdown, giving the Jets the lead when it looked like the Bills could run the clock out. That’s the JP I know (though one has to ask why they weren’t running the ball with Marshawn Lynch or Fred Jackson, who have been strong all game long).